spirit's emotion

yeaa i dont really feel like blogging but im gonna force myself to...

im sick of the way things are... as they have been for years.
i want to change myself... to be better.. but i cant,
i need help to change. to stop doing things... and to start doing other things.

im lonely, a fair bit depressed.. drifting through life with no real purpose. i keep asking myself those questions over and over - where am i going? what am i doing? when will things be different??
why cant i change?

i have friends, but no-one real close.

im really confused about some things in my life... confused about what to do. my feelings inside. i feel hopelessness... mixed with anger (at myself), self-loathing, sadness, yearning to be something other than what i am, what im doing. i give up easily or i just dont start anything, cause i hav no motivation.

i really dont know what i need. but i need something. i feel like theres a gaping hole in my heart... where something vital should be. i keep crying out for help inside but it feels like im suffocating.

dont wanna become hard and cold inside.. i wanna stay warm and friendly but i feel myself slowly going numb to the world... to everything. i wanna get away from where i am now in life.

i know this all sounds emo but im just putting what i feel now onto the page - the state im in now.

The Unexpected Blogger

Yaaaaaay! My first ever blog! I don't really know what to say or how to do any of this, but anyways!

In celebration of this wonderful event, I will now cheer wildly inside.

Hooray! Hulla! Woa-pah!

As I'm writing this the World Cup of 2010 in South Africa is well under way, and New Zealand is playing surprising well against Italy, as they did previously against Bahrain. I'm happy for their success and they've certainly deserved it, being one of the newer teams! Was rooting for England, though they haven't been doing so well so far, with both games ending in draws. Australia, now, are playing like the amateur difficulty AI on FIFA on xbox :D

Haha, but I'm not a huuuge fan of Football/Soccer, so it doesn't matter that much to me. Guess its the hype of the World Cup that makes it more exciting. The one annoying thing watching it on TV is the constant blare of the plastic horns they call vuvuzelas - pretty much everyone in the stadium has one. It sounds as if someone hung giant bee hives right next to the main microphones. But it creates an atmosphere of excitement and helps build anticipation for the next goal, then the fans rise up and roar even louder. Can't even imagine the noise level actually being there... would be amazing.

Well I never really felt the need for a blog. It's unexpected, for me at least. I still don't feel any need for one, really... but if it helps me get my scrambled feelings and ideas on paper, then I guess its worth it.

Ha, looking at that paragraph I can already see how lazy and demotivated I am right now. Its not like I wanna be lazy... I wanna do something... just don't know what. I'm supposed to be studying hard for my upcoming exams during the SWOTVAC (Study Without Teaching Vacation) week, the one week of free studying we do at home right before exams start. Funny that they call it a Vacation when you're supposed to be studying real hard.

Well its the end of the study week and I feel I've been on a vacation, since I haven't done a bit of study this whole week. Not because I feel that I don't need to study... I just don't wanna... hence, my being lazy and demotivated :P

Anyways, I'm going to bed.

Until next post!